«I felt that I was distancing myself emotionally, that we had nothing in common, that I was out of place, with little attachment to the couple, I didn’t like how he answered me; although we have never raised our voices to each other, I felt like we were hurting each other«recalls María, a 60-year-old nurse. She acknowledges that on several occasions she thought about separating from her husband, Francisco – a computer scientist and of the same age – because they constantly got involved in useless and exhausting arguments. «Sometimes, we translate the couple in a crooked way, because we misinterpret what they tell us or how they say it, when the intention has been different,» she says.
They went to therapy, and the professional who followed them gave them clear and direct guidelines for effective and loving functioning. Then, practice was a matter of two. «You have to work hard. In each session we reached agreements and committed to fulfilling them before the next meeting, whom we visited every two weeks, religiously.»
They decided to stay together and, now, after the therapy, they continue to go to the consultation two or three times a year, as a follow-up and reminder to keep the changes consolidated. Through systemic couples psychotherapy they were able to know, listen to, and understand each other. «Now we no longer go to solve relationship problems, but to face external situations together. We take the opportunity to thank each other for the support we are giving each other.»
Do older people go to couples therapy?
Going to therapy at 60 still has a taboo tinge. In some cases, the idea continues to be fed that problems are solved at home, the stigma that the psychologist still has, or couples get used to living as they are and let it be. A curiosity is that, especially women of these ages, “they address their marital problems, but in their individual therapies, because the couple is reluctant to attend,” says Elisa Múgica, clinical psychologist, specialist in couples therapy, and director of the Vitae Psicología Center, in Zaragoza. If they’re lucky, from there, they convince the couple.
Today, divorces of people over 60 years of age have increased in Spain by 47% in the last 10 years, according to data from the National Institute of Statistics (INE). The expert explains that “there are couples that separate at advanced ages, when they are left alone again, but there are also those who try to save their relationship with the help of therapy.» Currently, a strong impact is observed on people’s emotional mobility, so, although couples who decide to ask for professional help are not so many, there are more and more, like María and Francisco.
Emotionally based therapy
The impact of couples therapy is also the subject of study. The University of Navarra, in collaboration with Brigham Young University, in the United States, carried out the first clinical trial in couples therapy focused on emotions (EFT), in Spanish-speaking countries. The analysis concluded that this therapy based on expressing deep emotions, on attachment theory and the need to have secure bonds in relationships, also operates in senior couples. This was the starting point of the feature-length documentary Couples Therapy (Urresti Producciones, 2024), in which a team of psychologists (including Elisa Múgica, who was also a screenwriter) presents five real couples of different ages who receive therapy for six months.
Ascensión, a physical education teacher and graduate in psychopedagogy, 64 years old, and Jesús, a dentist, 67, were one of the five couples selected, in a casting of 150 interested parties. It was the first time they went to couples therapy and they did it in front of the cameras. After 48 years together (40 married) and four children, they now needed help to break the loop of arguments, jealousy, lack of affection, not finding things in common, reproaches, disinterest, “of being like a stone, unable to feel,” as Ascensión remembers.
«I seem tough, but I am tremendously sensitive and when I think I am not heard, I feel alone. And I had been feeling alone and suffering for many years.» She demanded more depth in the relationship and he disconnected, evaded and downplayed her importance. «The therapy helped us get to know each other better. I knew how to understand the lack of affection that he had since childhood, and I learned to communicate better. Jesus was able to know himself better and face his situation as a child, to better face his situation as an adult.» Is it worth it at this age? They both agree: “if we had known it was going to be so good for us, we would have done it 30 years ago,” they say.
Much of what this couple discovered, they owe it to having reviewed each other’s childhood. “According to attachment theory, human beings have an established biological basis of need for connection, «that must be nourished to develop in the world,» explains Múgica, a pioneer in Spain in couples therapy focused on emotions. Therefore, our emotional experiences in childhood will affect how we relate to each other in adulthood.
The indicators that a therapy will go well
One of the signs that therapy is going to work is that both feel that there are problems and that they both want to work on finding solutions. «Couple psychotherapy is requested when there is great individual and relationship psychological suffering, and when all ways to resolve conflicts have been exhausted. If the couple comes at this stage of the life cycle, it is because they think they can be helped, knowing that they can continue together or come to the conclusion that they have to separate,» Brik clarifies.
The doctor adds that “couples therapy at these ages makes sense if both are willing to change and, therefore, grow in the relationship, in case they want to stay together.” Ascension can’t imagine life without Jesus, for example, and he says it’s with whom he wants to always be. Without a doubt, they were suitable. Another indicator is that they perceive that couples therapy not only benefits them, but also those around them, for example, their children.
Particularities of age
Age can make personality characteristics more rigid, entrench certain traits and worsen the relationship, or, on the contrary, teach us to see life with more flexibility and allow learning and empathy for others.
Couples therapy for older people has its particularities, simply because “upon reaching this stage, people usually go through vital transformations that influence their daily relationship dynamics,” says Eduardo Brik, psychotherapist at ITAD (Institute of Systemic Family Psychotherapy and Addictions). Some of the most relevant are the retirement of one or both; the empty nest or the permanence of adult children, expectations and life projects that follow different paths, and where individual projects dominate more than those of a couple; give another meaning to life, physical and health changes; different reactions to losses and grief, which modify the way they support themselves; differences regarding investments and distribution of inheritances; the role of grandparents, care or disagreements in sexual life.
Lack of communication, the biggest reason for consultation
Couples who reach an advanced age, without having learned to communicate emotionally, or express their feelings in a clear and direct way, describe the lack of communication as the biggest problem from which everything derives. They talk worse to each other, they misunderstand each other, they get angry and, finally, they distance themselves, even though they continue living together. The issue worsens “when problems accumulate and drag on for many years, the type of problem, the discussions and the disagreements are much more virulent,” adds Múgica.
The lack of dialogue can make the other interpreter unlovable; the same when silence is abused. “Sometimes they consider that a way to protect and maintain the relationship It is to remain silent, but this silence generates pain on both sides and, again, a distancing,” continues the expert.
This relational lack also prevents us from perceiving certain relevant situations. For example, if there is a cognitive or physical deterioration, or a loss of senses, such as hearing or vision, and the partner does not perceive it, the other person may think “when I talk to him, he doesn’t answer me” and generate friction. «The person next to you can no longer be the one the couple expects them to be or the one they were when they were 50. We have to lower the level of demand,» suggests Múgica.
How couples therapy benefits seniors
It is never too late for self-knowledge for both, one of the great benefits of any couples therapy. Only in this way will they be able to reconcile with each other’s history, with their parents, relate better in the present, know how to give and receive, smooth over rough edges and be more honest. “The therapy develops more generosity on both sides, so that the members of the couple can grow, if they want and are willing to do so,” explains Brik.
In addition, it constitutes an open and safe space for dialogue. In this way you can discover the characteristics of each person, even if one is less receptive than the other, or finds it difficult to talk about what is happening inside. “Therapists facilitate this place and give some guidelines to return to pending issues, express emotional and loving feelings, and apply a different perspective, and continue doing so on a daily basis,” says Múgica. This will allow you not to misinterpret words and behaviors or take them personally, soften your tone and speak well.
Another benefit of therapy is that, by opening wounds from the past, it can facilitate empathy for others and understand the origin of their beliefs, feelings and behaviors. It is a dose of emotional education, which they may have never had, which will allow them to flow more calmly. Many have experienced periods of war, post-war, broken families or other difficulties. «Fifty years ago, there was no emotional education, and when, on top of that, they have all that early conflict load, it is even more difficult to manage. Even if it was normal back then, today we can do things differently,» Múgica proposes.
Therapy is also a place to discover what is shared, what can be done so that both of you connect, whether on a personal, social or even sexual level. Eduardo Brik explains that couples psychotherapy advocates creating circuits that bring well-being and expansion, and offers proposals to enrich the relationship. “The idea is to prioritize an opening of the heart, to show that we are capable of loving who we are, and accepting things as they are, instead of clinging to our mental images of how we should be.”
Trust Philip
